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Nostalgia: Noun. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past. The moral pain of the expatriate when he is overcome with the obsession of return.

Tonight my topic of choice is Nostalgia.  Surprise surprise. However, it almost seems like a topic left untouched, because it is untouchable.  How can one even begin to uncover and/or rediscover what could be considered the most popular emotion known to man.  Why is it we as people simply want to go back?
 This only proves that the human race has an utter thirst for happiness, fulfillment, succession. 
If you were to sit there, and follow the fad of saying you have no regrets, you don’t regret anything because it made you who you are.. BLAH BLAH BLAH.. i’d call you a fucking liar.
I often, and i mean often, find myself thinking about the past, and what a blast it was, and how I’d give anything to go back and do it all over again.  I think about the things I’d kill to do differently, I think about the feeling I wish I could feel again.  But when does it end, that feeling?  When will it be enough for us?
It’s almost been 21 years of living for me and already I’d kill for the 90’s to return.  You know when you’re around a person much much older than you, and you catch them looking at you.  What do you think they are thinking?  Well now I know the answer.  When I look at st. Lucy freshmen, or little girls in ballet skirts and leotards, i look at them, and see me.  I almost want to just stop them and tell them.  Tell them to hold on, tell them to let go.  And then i realize I am just like some 80 year old creeper ready to crack out a “back in my day”.
Anyways amidst all that, I think about why I want to go back, and only one thing pops into my mind.  It was the time I was most happy, when I felt the most fulfilled, when I was great at anything I did.  I was a kid. I felt invincible.  FEAR. no fear, none at all.  That’s the answer.  Ever notice that the times you wish to return to usually consist of you being fearless?
Well I say it’s bullshit.  Why do we let Fear take over? Do you see that even some of the times we wish to return to were only a few years ago? It’s horrible.  And every Socrates out there wants to tell me to stop dwelling so much on the past because you’ll miss the present and opportunity for the future.  But if we don’t kick this habit soon, it will never stop.
As one of my favorite people once told me “fear will ruin you.”  I have so many questions for this I can’t even comprehend.  And even though I realize I’ve already asked a million, here’s another.  What is behind Fear that holds us back?  We get to the future, look back, and think about what we wish we could re-do.. why didn’t we just do it right the first time?  Why didn’t we just take the leap and leave it all on the table, so that way, down the road, we wouldn’t find ourselves turning over our shoulders to look back so often.

I can honestly say, I have had one time in my life where I can recall leaving it all on the floor.  The stage, to be exact.  I wish we could do it in everything we pursue.  The old saying still holds true.  Do what you mean, and say how you feel.  I’ve come to find we are not to blame for this fear of holding our passion in.  Society over time has royally fucked us. ALL OVER.  It is no longer socially acceptable to cry.  The one thing that can truly release us.  It isn’t good  to be with the one you love if it means hurting someone Else’s feelings.  You know what I say.. of course you do.  Fuck everyone Else’s feelings.
For example.  Not using names, I cannot tell you how many times, one of my friends has held back because of other people.  Let’s call this one Johnny.  Johnny quit baseball his Junior year because Johnny’s psycho girlfriend told him the practices were cutting into her time.  Tommy stayed with his girlfriend for 4 years because he didn’t want to be the one to break her heart, even though he had stopped loving her 6 months in.  These two guys wasted their entire high school careers on drama because all they thought about was someone Else’s needs.
I refuse to ever be like them.  My biggest fear is losing my prime to fear itself.  Some think that I am a bitter girl with no real feelings and that I don’t open up to people.  Some don’t realize that I do what I do, because I do it for myself. No one else.  Why is it that this is also socially frowned upon.  I myself am usually called selfish.. or come off as too good for every one else. I wish I could say I’m sorry for this. But I’m not.  I am simply trying to avoid fear, take it head on and worry about myself.
I am just like everyone else.  I find myself listening to old playlists or looking at old pictures from better times.  Each and every regretful time from my past has one thing in common. Fear.  Each thing I regret never doing I never did because of fear.  I wish I could tell you that it will go away.  But it wont.  We’ll always remember setting high school football records, or having our first kiss. We’ll always want to go back and do it again.  And we try to accept that this is not possible.
So instead of leaving you with the satisfaction of knowing that it’s okay because I invented a secret time machine and I’ll be giving free rides to the year of your choice on the next full moon.  I’m going to leave you with this.  The only way to be rid of your nostalgic feelings and regret for the past, is to take any reason to have them.  Leave everything you ever do on the table, on the floor, on the field, on the stage.  Do it all, and do it big.  Do it bigger than big.  Do it to complete satisfaction and more.  Never ever hold inside what you feel.  Never ever make a decision based upon someone Else’s needs unless it will fulfill your own as well.  Never hold in who you are because you feel someone else won’t accept it.
And finally, please, please, never ever ever hide behind fear. because FEAR WILL RUIN YOU.