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Nostalgia: Noun. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past. The moral pain of the expatriate when he is overcome with the obsession of return.

Tonight my topic of choice is Nostalgia.  Surprise surprise. However, it almost seems like a topic left untouched, because it is untouchable.  How can one even begin to uncover and/or rediscover what could be considered the most popular emotion known to man.  Why is it we as people simply want to go back?
 This only proves that the human race has an utter thirst for happiness, fulfillment, succession. 
If you were to sit there, and follow the fad of saying you have no regrets, you don’t regret anything because it made you who you are.. BLAH BLAH BLAH.. i’d call you a fucking liar.
I often, and i mean often, find myself thinking about the past, and what a blast it was, and how I’d give anything to go back and do it all over again.  I think about the things I’d kill to do differently, I think about the feeling I wish I could feel again.  But when does it end, that feeling?  When will it be enough for us?
It’s almost been 21 years of living for me and already I’d kill for the 90’s to return.  You know when you’re around a person much much older than you, and you catch them looking at you.  What do you think they are thinking?  Well now I know the answer.  When I look at st. Lucy freshmen, or little girls in ballet skirts and leotards, i look at them, and see me.  I almost want to just stop them and tell them.  Tell them to hold on, tell them to let go.  And then i realize I am just like some 80 year old creeper ready to crack out a “back in my day”.
Anyways amidst all that, I think about why I want to go back, and only one thing pops into my mind.  It was the time I was most happy, when I felt the most fulfilled, when I was great at anything I did.  I was a kid. I felt invincible.  FEAR. no fear, none at all.  That’s the answer.  Ever notice that the times you wish to return to usually consist of you being fearless?
Well I say it’s bullshit.  Why do we let Fear take over? Do you see that even some of the times we wish to return to were only a few years ago? It’s horrible.  And every Socrates out there wants to tell me to stop dwelling so much on the past because you’ll miss the present and opportunity for the future.  But if we don’t kick this habit soon, it will never stop.
As one of my favorite people once told me “fear will ruin you.”  I have so many questions for this I can’t even comprehend.  And even though I realize I’ve already asked a million, here’s another.  What is behind Fear that holds us back?  We get to the future, look back, and think about what we wish we could re-do.. why didn’t we just do it right the first time?  Why didn’t we just take the leap and leave it all on the table, so that way, down the road, we wouldn’t find ourselves turning over our shoulders to look back so often.

I can honestly say, I have had one time in my life where I can recall leaving it all on the floor.  The stage, to be exact.  I wish we could do it in everything we pursue.  The old saying still holds true.  Do what you mean, and say how you feel.  I’ve come to find we are not to blame for this fear of holding our passion in.  Society over time has royally fucked us. ALL OVER.  It is no longer socially acceptable to cry.  The one thing that can truly release us.  It isn’t good  to be with the one you love if it means hurting someone Else’s feelings.  You know what I say.. of course you do.  Fuck everyone Else’s feelings.
For example.  Not using names, I cannot tell you how many times, one of my friends has held back because of other people.  Let’s call this one Johnny.  Johnny quit baseball his Junior year because Johnny’s psycho girlfriend told him the practices were cutting into her time.  Tommy stayed with his girlfriend for 4 years because he didn’t want to be the one to break her heart, even though he had stopped loving her 6 months in.  These two guys wasted their entire high school careers on drama because all they thought about was someone Else’s needs.
I refuse to ever be like them.  My biggest fear is losing my prime to fear itself.  Some think that I am a bitter girl with no real feelings and that I don’t open up to people.  Some don’t realize that I do what I do, because I do it for myself. No one else.  Why is it that this is also socially frowned upon.  I myself am usually called selfish.. or come off as too good for every one else. I wish I could say I’m sorry for this. But I’m not.  I am simply trying to avoid fear, take it head on and worry about myself.
I am just like everyone else.  I find myself listening to old playlists or looking at old pictures from better times.  Each and every regretful time from my past has one thing in common. Fear.  Each thing I regret never doing I never did because of fear.  I wish I could tell you that it will go away.  But it wont.  We’ll always remember setting high school football records, or having our first kiss. We’ll always want to go back and do it again.  And we try to accept that this is not possible.
So instead of leaving you with the satisfaction of knowing that it’s okay because I invented a secret time machine and I’ll be giving free rides to the year of your choice on the next full moon.  I’m going to leave you with this.  The only way to be rid of your nostalgic feelings and regret for the past, is to take any reason to have them.  Leave everything you ever do on the table, on the floor, on the field, on the stage.  Do it all, and do it big.  Do it bigger than big.  Do it to complete satisfaction and more.  Never ever hold inside what you feel.  Never ever make a decision based upon someone Else’s needs unless it will fulfill your own as well.  Never hold in who you are because you feel someone else won’t accept it.
And finally, please, please, never ever ever hide behind fear. because FEAR WILL RUIN YOU.

the other woman

WARNING:
the post you are about to read is highly personal, extremely controversial, and .. well you may just hate it. So, that being said, if you're some bitter ex girlfriend, you've ever been cheated on, take things the wrong way, or simply have some sort of beef with me. STOP READING NOW. cool...

"the other woman". used a lot when describing a girl who "devotes her entire life in being a homewrecker." Or "someone who whores herself around without morals." Having friends subject to this verbal abuse, and being a personal victim of it myself, makes a person really think. My hope with this is that maybe somewhere, some girl will read this, and understand what it feels like to be this other woman. Maybe they'll strongly disagree, and stick with their own opinions. But this is for a friend who gave everything she had, fell in way too deep, and was permanently scarred. This is for me. This is for you.
It isn't always fair to judge someone based on the fact that they sometime live their lives against your personal belief. Each one of us will never know what someone else is truly going through. So please, if you're interested, take this time to finally understand.


About a week ago, I received an anonymous question that didn't exactly hurt my feelings, but made me realize how clueless some people can be. The question asked me why I "insisted on pursuing boys that are off the market?" At first, it made me laugh. My first thought was "Do I really INsist?" Which leads me to my first point. Women who find themselves involved with unavailable men, DO NOT DO THIS ON PURPOSE. It just bewilders me that people out there believe that it is something of a personal goal to fall for someone who will never be with them. HA! right because, life would be too easy if they were available, we'd actually be happy for once if they were available, oh and we wouldn't be putting ourselves through sleepless tearful nights ALONE, if they WERE AVAILABLE. I mean come on how could we?!
Now, am I completely denying the fact that it is a tad bit wrong to try and break up a relationship. No. I am doing nothing of the sort. There are women out there who do devious, horrible things to get the man they want. But that is out of our control. I mean we could control them, by throwing them in the crazy bin or arresting them, or restraining them.. but what do you want me to do?
Anyways.
I guess the only way to hopefully help you understand, is to open my book, and let you in. Perhaps I'll save my story for another blog, when I have time to sit down for hours, and revisit the past. It will be hard for me to post, and keep an unbiased view with it all. I also don't wish to exploit anyone from my past. Please note now, that I do not blame anyone for what happened to me. I do sometimes only blame myself, but I try to remind myself that everyone plays a part, no matter how small, it counts.

I think something people need to understand is, we don't get ourselves into messes like that with the intention of hurting someone. We simply fall in like with someone, someone we see ourselves being happy with, someone we think could be the one. We never try to fall in like with a guy we know is taken, it'd be a waste of time. Sometimes, we fall for them before we even know it can never be. Most times, we fall for them, knowing they're unavailable, because WE FELL FOR THEM.
So to end this blog here for now:

Why DO we continue to "pursue" them?
Have you ever had that feeling, you know the one that tells you this may be your chance at happiness? What do you do? Do you let it go? Because you know it may be wrong? Or Do you take it, because it may be the only one you'll get? WHAT IF...
This can relate to any personal experience, not just the subject of this blog.

What are your thoughts?